Morgan!

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 19:11:42 GMT

Where do I even start?!

Okay, first things first: We saved my parents. Thanks to the quirks of Rhydin, some quick magick, and a lot of luck, Cass and I traveled back to the night of their "death" and pulled their unconscious bodies back to Rhydin before the massive army of... whatever... could claim their lives. Stormy helped a lot by making them feel like they've been asleep for years and years, and...

Well. They're here.

Dad is... Well, both of them, I feel like I've known them all my life. They're as I imagined them; happy, rowdy, larger than life. Fiercely loving, with only a little sadness that they missed their children growing up, but they want to make me a brother, and I'm fine with that! More than fine! I can't even put into words how wonderful it is to have them back. It doesn't replace my childhood or invalidate it. I did it for them, so they could have the life they otherwise missed. But yes, I benefit from it too.

They're even getting along with Storm, which is great. Stormy adores my dad. She seems to have decided he's trustworthy, and affords him snuggling and comfort the same as she does me. Which is good. She's... I don't know what to say, pushing herself too far and too fast. Challenging everyone she meets to train her -- me, Carolyn, Nhairis, Dad, Dreamer, Shadow, Drake fucking Valkonan... Something's gotten into her and it worries me. She seems to be putting distance between us... I wonder what I did. I wonder if I will lose her friendship as well, and not even know why. It wouldn't be the first time I'd done something stupid, after all. I should... try to just talk to her. She can be so hard to talk to.

Carolyn has been hanging out with me more. I don't know how it happened that we went from vague unease to great friends, but I'm really not complaining. She's unique, and very much herself. There's things I can learn from her, I think. I want to get to know her better; we've been having just lots of fun goofing around. She's made dinner for the family once, and is gonna do it again tonight. I'm probably in trouble, since she likes to wear short skirts and shorts and torment me with legs. This is, I might add, the sort of trouble I do not immensely object to. Tormenting as it might be.

More seriously... I think I'm ready to take my ring off.

I love Diast. That will never stop. That will never change. And, depressingly, she's not even the first person I've said that about. I still love Sashra too. But time passes, wounds heal, and continuing to cling to the past is damaging. Not that I begrudge the time I've spent mourning her. That too was necessary. Nor am I really going to take the ring off... just move it to my right hand. I will never forget.

If I fear anything, it is the future... but I welcome it as well.

Mon, 28 May 2007 20:59:03 GMT

I almost, almost, ALMOST think things are starting to look up.

Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty to complain about. Depressingly, Irina seems intent on putting herself at the top of that list. I have to say I'm -- well, part of me is disgusted that she still blames me for our date going wrong. That was years ago. YEARS. This should have been a lesson to me about trying to help people! One I should have learned from, I swear. I'm actually glad our first date went so poorly, now; trying to have a serious relationship with that girl would've been disasterous. I'm hardly going to apologize for trying to help her, and expressing the sincere worry that a relationship with her would've meant compromising my friendships with others.

Not that that didn't end up happening anyway. But I didn't see it coming, that time. Ugh. I mess up so many things.

But how long can someone hold a grudge? The other part of me isn't surprised at all. I'm just well aware that she will, in perpetuity, hold this against me. That I don't really care about, any more. I can't make her forgive me, and I have no obligation to do so even if I could. But accusing me of judging her?

Yes, she accused me of judging her. After she claims she doesn't judge her friends. I stand by what I said then: I'm not her friend because she judges me all the damn time. Even my silly comments and obvious jokes she takes personally, as if I've devoted my life to taking her down. Do I judge my friends? Better to say I don't make friends out of people whose conduct and standards of behavior are completely antithetical to my own. If she wants to call a sociopathic amoral murderer a friend, then she ought to be prepared when people make inferences about her from that decision! Meanwhile, what have I done for her? Given her a place to stay (twice) and support after she lost a lover? Helped her kick a drug habit she foolishly got into? (And if I was judging her, would I have really helped her with that? News flash: I don't blame Irina for that. She was tricked. She was naive and foolish, sure, but she didn't set out to do it maliciously or hurt anyone).

God. How come Cass is my friend, if I'm so judgmental?

Seamus wants to know why I feel I can't do anything right by her? Because she still holds this petty little grudge against me after all these years. But Seamus is another bone of contention right now. Honestly, why in hell does he think he knows martial arts, my training style, and what's best for me? Always question, question, question, as if I'm some bloody idiot who hasn't the slightest idea what I'm doing. And then when I explain it, it's not, "Oh, okay, I understand now," it's "I'm giving up, because you're so stupid and senseless I'm not even going to bother arguing with you, but you're still wrong, wrong, wrong." As if he knows! Which one of us is the person who spent 17 years training? Which one of us is the one who's training under, literally, the world's greatest martial artist? Damn know-it-all. Next time he starts up with this stuff, I'm going to tell him off.

At least after all this time, our friendship is strong enough that we can HAVE that sort of telling-off occur without it going sour. And that's a very good thing. We're family now... who would have thought that'd it occur, looking at us all those years ago?

Sheena came over the other day, just to thank me for sticking with her during all that mess. Did not see that one coming! It's... really nice to know that she appreciated all that. She certainly didn't seem to at the time! And she was also wearing shorts, so that was all good. Um... I guessed, pretty accurately it seems, that she has some interest in me. I tried to let her down as gently as I could, and it actually seemed to work. I mean, maybe she was hurt and just hiding it, but it didn't seem like it was too bad. It's kind of a pity, really. If I didn't have Aten I'd have dated her, but... she's got some maturing to do before she could be a good mother to my baby, and that's more important than anything. Still... I'm glad to have a friend, and glad to have her consider me a friend. I wish she and Stormy would get along better, but oh well. Can't always have what I want.

Speaking of Stormy, I taught her about birthday celebrations! I cooked for her, made pie, and got her a matched pair of hand-forged swords... and she liked it all! She really seemed to enjoy it! I was worried I'd screw it up somehow, but it all went really well!

She seems to be doing better in general, lately, for which I'm grateful. Aside from certain Sals and Sins being insistent on butting their way into her life no matter how strongly she asserts she doesn't want them there, in general she's happier and doing better. I'm really proud of myself for suggesting she volunteer at the animal shelter. I just hopes she picks up her own animals sometime soon! I wish she'd take a chocobo. Maybe I should give her a little push on that again. She'd be a good choco-mommy.

Been making efforts lately to hang out with some friends I don't see enough of, Stephen and Cass mostly. Carolyn has been great lately, too, in her Carolyny sort of way.

Why am I convinced everything is going to collapse? I'm so damn cynical. No, I'm happy, or at least content, and things are going well. Let's stay the course.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:50:37 GMT

I don't know what to say any more, honestly.

Or perhaps who to say it to. I seem to be running out of friends... slowly squeezed out of my normal haunts by the completely amoral crowd that increasingly runs around, ever expanding. It wouldn't be a terrible analogy to compare Rhydin to Earth, now.

There's always Stormy, but I can't talk to Stormy about a lot of my problems. Not because I don't trust her or think she'll listen, but just because I don't think she'll understand. She's still not terribly familiar with Rhydin, and she still blames herself and takes too much on herself right now. I want to help her... and I don't know HOW to talk to her about my problems. Stephen's out because Stephen's in full-asshole mode lately, especially to me. He might understand what I want to say better, but care? That's a lot more questionable.

Aten is growing so well. No man on earth could ask for a better child than she is. I say that now, knowing full well I'm headed for trouble when she learns to walk and talk and be a little terro, but even then I'll love her even as I want to kill her. Not that I actually want to kill her. I read about things like Shaken Baby Syndrome and child abuse and wonder what on earth is WRONG with people. How could anyone bear to harm their own child? The thought of any pain or suffering coming to Aten from any source sends chills through my spine... but from me? I couldn't live with myself.

I've been trying to help a brother-sister pair named Patrick and Sheena. It's a very complicated situation... rescuing the one from a demon who owns his soul and has enslaved him in a mind, rescuing the other from her own stubborn self-destruction and denial of her abilities. Not that I can blame her on the latter, if she really does lose her mind every time she shifts. Still, there's got to be SOMEthing I can do for them... even if it's just be a friend.

Maybe I could talk to Carolyn about things. I don't know if she'll understand, but at least she seems more prepared to accept my existence without questioning how I think and feel for no good reason. I don't know. I don't know what to think or who to turn to any more. What I need, and what I seem to lack, is a simple, uncomplicated, UNBURDENED friendship. Not that I begrudge any of my friends the effort I give them, but sometimes it'd just be nice to relax and hang out and not have to worry about anything. Just have some fun with someone.

I'm so frustrated.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 09:40:11 GMT

Goodbye, Diast.

Hello, Aten.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 19:58:44 GMT

How do I properly express what has happened?

How can I even put this into words?

Okay. So... apparently, Diast isn't Gin-Hu. Apparently, she is instead a former Sith who attempted to kill and impersonate her, but accidentally erased her past identity rather than simply submerging it.

Yeah, I look at that and I can't believe it. Nevertheless, that's what she believes. Apparently the Jedi Council was able to make a very convincing argument for that.

And she's going back, she says. Once our daughter is born... she's going back and throwing herself on their mercy. Their mercy of course being death.

I think the thing I hate, more than anything, about the Jedi is that they have absolutely no concept or hint of the vaguest possibility that their carefully thought-out philosophies on life and existence could be wrong. Sure, they have the whole Force thing going for them, but are they interpreting it correctly? Do they truly understand it? Is its reality even close to their basic beliefs, or does it even have a reality? As a Tradition mage, I can't claim I'm any less stubborn about my own beliefs than any Jedi, but we live daily with the knowledge that there are other competing theories. The Jedi never had this sort of competition, and thus they can't imagine they might be wrong.

Diast is just as guilty of this as the rest. She's so convinced that she needs to be punished for the sins of a former life. And so she's going to throw away her life, a good life as a good person, to satisfy this arbitrary concept of justice. If there were ever a better argument against my own personal belief that death is never the answer, I can't imagine it.

Beyond that... what do I do?

It's over. It's over so soon.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 23:10:35 GMT

I swore I told Diast we were having a girl! I swore I did! Oh god, I'm a horrible husband!

Well, maybe that's going too far, but man, how did I let that slip my mind? Maybe I told her when I thought she was listening and she wasn't... or maybe I told her in my mind and not with my voice. I don't remember.

One thing I don't know is how long this pregnancy will take for her. So far it hasn't given any signs of being there except through magic and medical testing, so it hasn't

Um. Wow. So, out of nowhere, in the middle of the last sentence, I got yanked out of my nice quiet mansion by none other than Carolyn, who stole my sword and left me to die at the hands of I don't even know what. Now, how she healed me and brought me back to life afterwards is anyone's guess. I really don't understand it myself. But I was dead for a little while there... or at least I think I was. Did I imagine it? If I was dead, how did I come back? I know she healed me, but... And what was with that pink being that was with her? The one that... wiped reality clean and made it better again, to heal Carolyn and myself and even a freaking tree I'd taken out (with my spine, ow). Something about images of her father, and then
the pink thing sent me back home...

I swear I must have been dreaming. Too damn weird. I don't know...

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 05:41:46 GMT

Diast said something to me during our reception that made me think a little, that I had everything I ever wanted now. But I honestly haven't thought of it in terms like that in I don't know how long. Months. A very long time. Diast and I, we have what we want. We got lucky on some of it and some of it we had to fight for, but it's a team effort. Her and me. Soon enough it'll be a family effort, and that will be something incredble indeed.

And if I have what I want, it's because for the first time in my life I really want what I've got. Friends, family, a lover and a wife and a wonderful person to share my life with. Family on the way.

I know my problems haven't gone away, but right now I feel like nothing in the world can stop me or slow me down. I have what MATTERS, and that's what matters to me. I'm so happy.

I have to come back to my life now, and really nothing much has changed with this wedding except that Diast and I are wearing rings. I came home to her before we were married and I will after; not all that much is going to change because of a ceremony and a legal paper, but I'm happy. I hope Diast is too. It's funny how something that really doesn't have any real effect can make a person so happy, but that's ritual for you. That's love.

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 00:01:43 GMT

Stephen finally gave me an answer! The bastard is gonna stand with me at my wedding!

I can finally, finally stop worrying and really enjoy this whole thing now! The last of my troubles is gone and I have my best friend back. Aaah, it's such a weight off my shoulders, and I don't have to pretend like it doesn't bother me or any of that. I don't know why he thinks I'm making a mistake. I'll ask him the next time we hang out. I'm sure he doesn't understand Diast. I don't think anyone does but me... she's still closed off from other people even now, though nothing like how she was when she first came here. Cat seems determined to befriend her... I really owe Cat a debt of gratitude for that.

Stephen and I have some hard times, I think, because we're both assholes. Not that we mean to be, but he grew up without any friends and I grew up without any family, so we both missed out on a lot of the things we'd need to be fully all-there people. Well, maybe we'll have a little more time together with summer here, and Cat back with her family for the time being. I'd love to just hang out with those two again. It's been forever.

There was a centaur at the Rose the other night! I have no idea why I think that's so cool, but I do. Centaurs rock! (I really wonder where on earth this liking of centaurs came from. I don't know. I'm not even all that particularly fond of horses...)

I feel finally happy, all the way through, for the first time in a while.

Tue, 23 May 2006 13:24:37 GMT

So Vin kidnapped the Wylies.

What a great start to this! He captured them both, but Katie, bless her adventurous heart, escaped somehow. In perhaps the bizarrest team-up rescue efforts ever, I worked first with Mara, then with Don, to bribe the hell out of everyone we possibly could to get us info, delay Vin's ship in port... everything.

We were *almost* too late, when we finally found him. But using our awesome ninja skills, Stormy and I successfully rescued him and got him to the hospital. Once there, he promptly had about six bazillion complications, but as of now he's doing much better. I hope he'll be home soon.

(And good lord, Katie, take care of yourself better. I swear, I practically have to mother her to keep her eating and get her to take care of her sciatica. She needs to be home in her own bed and comfy chairs and near food, and not stuck in that room with him.)

Diast came back after a "mission" which was really them re-granting her the title of Jedi Master. Sweet! I think they seem to be more accepting of her marrying me, now; isn't this a sign? They wouldn't do this if they had doubts or concerns about her ideology and performance.

Just let the last piece fall into place...

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 06:47:25 GMT

Seamus said something to me the other day that got me thinking. He said that he never envied my money, or pretty much anything about me, except for my athleticism; the ability to just, as he put it, do things casually that most people could never do in their life. I was about to dismiss it as silly, when I thought about it a little more.

Really, it's true. And it's not true for any reason other than that I started so early and did so much work on it that I grew up with different perceptions of "possible" than most people have. I wonder, based on that thought, if I would have Awakened even if my sword hadn't ripped part of myself out of me. Not that I ever questioned my own Awakening, if nothing else. Still, I'm nothing that any other person couldn't become, with time and effort and energy.

I feel like I'm charging life head on, these days. School, work, wedding plans, training, leisure; it seems my life is always full, and I'm really liking it. No time to waste or dink around! Charge ahead!

Seamus has been making these absolutely delicious sandwiches lately as part of culinary training. Man, every one a winner! Katie offered to make me a sandwich every morning. I didn't want to be trouble for her, but I really wish I had accepted. That would have been a taste of heaven and a slice of family love all in one brown bag. Ah well, I know they love me.

It's funny, but the days all seem to blur together, and I can't say it's bad. Life is good. Life is really good.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 08:28:42 GMT

Diast came back! Diast came back!

Of course, it was utterly like her to just walk into the Rose without forewarning. I swear she was testing me. "Let's see if Morgan can avoid dragging me into the bathroom." I did, somehow. I don't know how. I was so glad to see her.

I'm amazed at how much she's throwing herself into wedding planning. Even from the beginning, she dove in with a singlemindedness that astounded me. She's really taking this all the way; dress fittings, catering, the works. We've decided on having two weddings; one in Pittsburgh, to be the show wedding, the 'look at society's sweetheart' show affair. To be honest, I hate the whole idea. In a lot of ways I'd almost be happier to keep Diast my secret, out of the limelight of Earth and away from their problems. So much of life is already hiding who I am and what I am, and I don't want her to walk down that path too. I'm afraid of it causing problems, as well; I don't knoiw how well the Order would react to her hiding her nature, and I'm afraid of attracting Technocracy attention. But she's willing to do it, for me. She insists on it, because she knows I've got an image on Earth to maintain. I won't keep her out of my life if she wants to be in it, for any reason whatsoever. I believe we can weather whatever comes our way.

The private wedding ,of course, will be an entirely different affair. This will be our chance to be us, Morgan and Diast, Akashic and Jedi. That will be the one that means the most. That will be the true, full joining of hearts.

Seamus has agreed to be a groomsman, which pleases me immensely, and we're leaning on Emmy to be flower girl. I need another groomsman, but I'm not sure who to ask. Leon comes to mind, actually. Really, the only depressing part of this whole mess is Stephen. I asked him, what, two months ago to be my best man? He hasn't even said no. Hell, he's been avoiding me entirely; I can't get his attention to save my life, and he never has time to come hang out. Or maybe he just is saying that. I don't know. I really don't. Diast is convinced he doesn't like her; I think I've pissed him off somehow unknowingly, as I'm good at doing. I just don't know.

Emmy actually gave us both a hug. There may be hope there yet. We have got to find her sister, somehow. I need to talk to Diast about that, but I just don't have the time. I swear she's been working out more these days. It's incredibly distracting. How can something be so hard and so soft at the same time? Mmmmmmm.

I can't believe this is actually going to happen. I barely feel like it is. Like this whole marriage is just a dream or a fantasy; not that I, Morgan Knight, will in a couple months' time marry the woman I love. I sometimes think I should ask other people what it was like for them, but then I realize I don't want to. I want this experience to be entirely my own. I will change, after this, and I don't know how, but with her in my life I know it will be wonderful.

Life is going to be wonderful.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 03:48:09 GMT

Katie had a seizure on Sunday.

And no one told me. Not one person.

If this is what "family" means to everyone I know, I think it's time I seriously reconsider my relationships with people.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 09:26:22 GMT

Not forgotten.

Somewhere in my head, the image I have of the strong, capable, confident Katie is really, really jarred. I've never seen her break down so catacylsmically before, especially not into the sort of reflexive mental "I'm bad" processes that just plain aren't rational. This, then, would be the legacy of her past.

I am not the only thing she has. But I meant it when I said she was one of the best things to ever happen to me. She is. She *is*, dammit, and for that reason alone I couldn't ever let her go off and do something like she wanted to. God, the bitch of it all is that Seamus is really the one who's the most hell-bent on *hurting* the slavers. It's gonna be like walking a minefield, I swear.

I need to not spend a night alone with myself and my thoughts.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 01:57:36 GMT

What do you do when you discover people you love are not the people you thought they were?

I can't approve of torture, not for the sole purpose of causing pain. I just can't. But that doesn't mean I approve of slavery. It doesn't mean I'm chasing some vision of a utopia where I can just change the minds of anyone who's doing a bad thing. If... If...

If they really don't know me so well, then maybe I should have been listening to that little voice inside me, that all along has been telling me they're just laughing at me, they keep me around because they find me amusing. They certainly were ready to think the worst of me as soon as I dared to express an opinion different to theirs, on a subject serious to all of us.

I don't know. I just don't know what to say, or do. Evil things done to evil people are not less evil. I can't just sit by and let them do it, any more than I could sit by and watch a child being beaten, or a girl being raped. It's wrong. Wrong in principle, wrong in practice. It's bad enough that I know they're doing it, I know it's happening, and I'm not out there stopping it right now. That nags at my conscience and twists in my gut.

The worst thing is knowing this could cost me so much of what I've been chasing. This is the price I pay for trying.

The one consolation in my life right now is Emmy, who I'm doing well by. So much to do there. I'm not prepared to be a parent, I'm sure there's so many things I'm missing and neglecting. I should ask Stephen's parents for advice. If they're still speaking to me. I don't know what anyone has told Cat or Stephen, now, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone has blasted me for "being on the slavers' side" in their presence. How much they'll believe I don't know. I haven't heard from them, or anyone, since Thursday. Part of me thinks they're waiting for me to come back and apologize and agree to cheerfully torture and murder in their names. Part of me hopes that they're just too busy, it's just too soon for them to try with the incident fresh in their mind.

What I fear most is what I suspect most; that already I'm written off, and life now goes on without me.

Diast has been gone for over a month now. Come back, love. Come back soon.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 18:51:06 GMT

I've been reluctant to talk or write about this for fear of jinxing it and inviting disaster... but people are starting to learn now, so it's official. What the hell, here goes: I asked Diast to marry me, and she said yes.

Now, I knew for a fact she would say yes, she's told me as much previously, but quite frankly asking her scared the holy hell out of me. I almost didn't do it just because it scared me so damn much! But I did, and I didn't screw it up, and she accepted. She accepted!

Man. I know it's not gonna be easy, with her duties and my schooling and all the crap we have to wade through to just be together, but it's gonna be *good*. I couldn't be happier about this.

I've been kind of scared to actually, purposefully bring it up, though. I want to ask Stephen to be my best man, of course, but things have been so weird for him lately, and he's been so generally angry and upset, that I don't think he'd welcome it. He hasn't officially asked me to be his, of course, but I think it's sort of assumed. Maybe that's a dangerous assumption. But he's in no hurry, Cat's still got a couple years of school left before she graduates. Anyway, I'm worried about him; I think I need to drag him out and get him to have some fun. Cat too. I should plan for that.

Still, I'm so excited!

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 02:48:27 GMT

Death. So often I think about death.

Death turns the wheel of life.

Seamus died, not long ago, or did he? He crossed one threshold, though not another, because Mara brought him back. Restarted his heart, and maybe with any luck repaired the damage it suffered. Diast came within inches, too, and if not for Stormy she'd have passed from my life too.

I am scared. So very scared.

I won't let anyone die, no one I care about, so long as I have any power to stop it. I've lost too many people. My fate seems to be that of a death-dealer, rather than a life-giver, but I don't believe in fate. I'm *not* condemned to bring nothing but death to the world, even if it seems that's all I could do up to this point. I have the strength to make a difference, and the will to choose what that difference will be!

Death. Jack dies, so we seek to avenge it. Dimitri dies in the attempt. My parents die, setting me on my path. Death, death, death.

I'm so scared. So very scared. I almost lost her. I came so close to losing her.

I can't let anyone see it, though. I have to be the strong one. I have to always believe that things will work out, for those times when others doubt.

But in these quiet pages I can let myself be as truly terrified as I am.

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 22:36:06 GMT

Diast says she believe in balance. It does seem to exist, but I wish it didn't exist by huge extremes.

So last night, some punk I've never even seen before, evidently someone Irina's been shacking up with to judge by their conversation earlier, comes up to me and tries to pick a fight with me. Says we have a mutual friend, and that I'm giving that pain grief, and I need to stop it.

So Seamus, Katie, and I are all looking at each other like, "the hell"? Because none of us have any idea where this is coming from. Turns out the punk is claiming I was somehow being criminally unfair to Irina, and he was going to mess me up if I didn't stop. Not that I WAS doing anything in the first place. Or that he could mess me up. But whatever.

Things got ugly. Katie threw him out, then threw me out after I fired back at Irina that she cheated on Jack and had leapt into the pants of available males at first opportunity once he was dead. (Which is true, he's been gone what, a couple of weeks, and she's already solidly hooked up with Dimitri and planning to have a hot tub orgy with two other guys and him, in public. Spades are spades.) So fine, I go outside... Irina accuses me of hating her for her never sleeping with me (Hee hee!) and focusing my energies on hating her. Dimitri starts babbling, I get mad at her because she DID cheat on Jack...

Katie drops one hell of a bombshell on me...

I go home, fully prepared to saddle up my chocobo and ride out to live the life of a hermit...

Diast declares that she will gladly have a future with me.

The sound you hear is my mental gear shifting from R-3 to 6 without the clutch.

We're moving in to the mansion very soon. It's going to be great.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 16:58:09 GMT

Things never change, I swear. When you get right down to it I still haven't been able to do anything about anything I need to do anything about.

Sal is still hunting Vin for Seamus, and I threw my hat in the ring once again in an effort to track the bastard down. Unsurprisingly it failed; seems he's warded his ship against magic. Big miracle. Still, it's something to go on, and it gives some leads, but in the end that doesn't matter at all. Only the results count, and thus far I've been unable to deliver.

Oddly, Sal rescued a prisoner of Vin's, a winged and betailed girl named Mara. I've signed on to teach her sign language, and Sal in the process, which is about all I can manage to do at this point.

Cass hasn't given me any word about my parents yet. The waiting is killing me. Meanwhile Diast went on trial by theJedi Council, accused of being a Sith Lord... and wasn't acquitted so much as the trial was cancelled due to lack of clearcut evidence. Yeah, that's promising.

I'm just frustrated beyond belief. Big surprise, huh? I seem to exist that way perpetually..

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 07:50:41 GMT

I had thought that, with the return of Seamus, Cat, and Don, that perhaps the war was winding down. That our victory was somehow imminent, with them feeling free to let all go. That shows what I know. They simply seem to be taking a different tack.

In other words, they activated me.

To be honest, I'd half-forgotten I'd even gotten myself into this mess. Certainly the message hand-delivered to me by the mailman was a shock. "Report," it said, with a time and a place and an official seal that left no questions as to the nature of the report.

"Well," I thought, "THIS is cutting it close to school start."

Heh, that was the last time I thought that for a while.

They needed me to infiltrate a concentration camp. A freakin' Auschwitz for the supernatural. Bound down with heavens know what sort of technology, magic, or what have you to keep them contained. With mixed-breeds, mages, mythic beasts...all chomping at the bit to get free, and fighting amongst themselves in the meantime.

"Hell of a vacation," I rememeber saying. "Purely out of curiosity, why me?"
"You're of werewolf descent, so you qualify to be in the camp. Also, you won't break under the torture."

Can you imagine how thrilled I was?

Getting in was easy enough. I just got myself into a mess in their lines, deliberately bungled a seeming stealth mission. I got captured, slapped in irons, and shipped out. And I have to say, right here, it could have been a lot worse from the start. I didn't have any access to my magick, of course, since Cross was at home, but neither did anyone else. And many of them had claws, or teeth, or just a lot of anger, but I can take care of myself. I had to.

The camp was a cold, miserable place off the shore of an ocean. It had a seawall and an ocean pen for aquatic or semi-aquatic creatures. I guess some Artic current slapped up against that place, because it had nothing to say for it except cool-to-miserable temperatures. Gummy buildings hastily slapped together from concrete and cement, save for the guards' quarters which were of course quite nicer; pavilion tents mechanically heated. We were put to labor, all of us, with not enough food nor sleep...

Do I really need to go on? When I re-read this, I won't want to rememebr the tableau of suffering I saw there. I experienced it to a lesser degree, because I am myself, of course, but to watch it was simply, truly, utterly painful.

I don't want to remember it, but I will. And there was torture, to which I made the best effort to act like I was being hurt. The Chorus was better. But other people... didn't have the advantages I did, of course. Did suffer, did sometimes break.

In the end, I killed. Again. I killed the guards, a few anyway, because they thought they had broken me, and they didn't have a defense against Do. We escaped... with casualties, with injuries, with any amount of degredation to our spirits... but our spirits are no less real or valid than theirs, no matter what they might say to the contrary.

I hate killing. I hate it so much. Even that perverse, insane necromancer who killed Sashra... even his death haunts me even now. I'm not a killer. I didn't learn all this just to cut lives short. I'm a fighter. I will fight for what I believe is right. I will fight to the death to defend that which I believe in...

But how many deaths will I accept on my karma? For Sashra's memory, for Seamus's family, for the principle of thing... Is that all I'm good for?

I wonder what I bring to this world, to the people I know, that could ever balance that out.

Jack is dead; Cat is magically psychotic; Diast is summoned for a trial for gods know what reason. It's all falling apart again... slowly but surely, all falling apart.

I hope I have the strength to hold myself together one more time.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 21:24:07 GMT

Funny how life works. I'm feeling good, though, despite a few things. Evidently, Joe has the I-Want-To-Bang-Irina mad-on for me again, enough so that he bitched out Seamus irrationally and hasn't been back since. That's all good. Haven't seen Irina herself in a while, not since she showed me a rock. I still don't get it.

Cass is back! Turns out she'd been very sick, and was barely able to come out of her boyfriend's house. I'm glad she's back. I need to ask her to move into the mansion with me. I think she'll be happier there with more alone space. A better balance between not being alone and being able to have time alone. Li'l Blue said his first wark the other day, too, and she was there for it. Feels like family.

I'm really happy for her.

Thean and I have been hanging out every so often. I finally seem to have broken her of the "Oh no you'll get in trouble!" mindset. Employees, so silly. She's good people, though.

I've been working on making common cause with, of all people, Naomi. She's not so bad, now that we've actually been talking. She and Leigh and Angelin and I played Truth or Dare the other night. That was fun. Life is good. I miss Diast though...

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 14:25:19 GMT

Nothing ever seems to get easier around here.

Cass disappeared on me. I don't remember if I mentioned that, I'm too lazy to flip a page back. I tracked her down. I was afraid she'd lost it, she'd slipped a little, she'd gone back to living on the street because she'd forgotten she had people out there who care about her, who don't want her to be sad or lonely. It turns out she's just been staying with that guy she's been dating.

So she didn't forget those people are out there, she just... stopped caring about it.

I don't know what to make of that. I really don't. I thought we were friends, but... all she's said to me in two weeks is that she's alive, when she popped in for a brief visit at the Rose on my shift. Other than that, nothing. Has she just decided to abandon me, her things, her animals? Her cat's still here, for heaven's sake! Her chocobo is still here! Has she just abandoned them?

Is this my fault somehow? I can't see how it isn't. This is a pattern all too familiar.

Katie is doing better, Seamus says. I've tried to stop by and visit her a couple times, but I always seem to manage to pick a bad time. She's up and around and not being different, I heard, and that's everything I could hope for. I just wish I could see her.

I said I had passed on my right to vengeance to Sal. But Seamus told me that Sal was hurt, and couldn't do anything, and so it fell to me once again. I'd taken some hair from the alley where her attackers had huddled, the day of the drowning. I traced them with Correspondance, read the names of their superiors with Mind. And I killed them. I killed them.

I traveled ten steps up that chain, leaving death in my wake, till I was stymied at the very last and could go no higher. I didn't save Connor, I didn't slaughter Vin. All I managed was to leave a trail of meaningless death and destruction in my wake. I carved a huge chunk out of his organization, but that doesn't even matter, according to Seamus.

And then a couple of days later Sal was up and around and doing fine. I did it all for nothing. NOTHING. Everything I did that day was meaningless except to weigh against me in the Record. I am nothing more than a murderer and a thug, and regardless of what I strive to be, I can never again claim to truly be anything more. I imagine this might explain why Nhairis has been distant lately.

Knight Comics has disaster written all over it. My artist is complaining about the basic setup. At least I managed to talk to her about it before it got too bad. I don't know what she expects me to do when I KNOW what she did to betray Jack, but... it isn't realistic for her to expect me to behave towards her professionally as I do personally. I just hope that that's the end of it. I may have to kill Joe if he keeps up this crap about me raping her mind to force her to sign the contract. I don't even *have* enough Mind to do that.

I told Seamus and Cat about my plan. I'm going to do it. Soon, Cass or no, even though I need her for it. If she doesn't want to... I won't be surprised. But I'll do it anyway, even if it kills me. What does it really matter if it does?

Cass is just another in a list. Kym and Ronnie just disappeared out of my life. Stephen is too busy, Cat... is distant, and I don't know why, but I can't think of the last time we hung out together. She's hurt now, sure, but even before that. Katie I get to actually see so rarely. Irina treats love and important things too casually for me to trust her. Jack I never see, with the exception of the other day when he needed me to kick ass on his behalf. Cadence dumped me for another guy. Vee seems to dislike me, I don't even know why. Sashra died, of course. Diast is not around nearly as often as I could hope. My own twin sister hates me.

Seamus and Cat think I'm an idiot, for planning to save my parents. Seamus pointed out that it wouldn't change anything, I'd still have grown up without parents. Duh. That isn't the point. The point is to give them the life they never should have lost. The point is to be of the universe, and in doing so, move with it and guide it all at once. The point is to do it because it's the right thing to do.

And maybe, just maybe, I can bring someone into my life who will stay there. Just once.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 20:20:09 GMT

I WAS WRONG AND I'VE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO BE WRONG IN MY LIFE! SHE'S ALIVE! SHE PULLED THROUGH!

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 00:47:27 GMT

On Monday I got a call, a frantic call, from Cass. She'd had a vision, a vision of Katie dead. I begged her to go over to her house quickly (I don't know why she did it, I haven't even SEEN her since then), and I even shut the Rose down early so I could get there and stop whatever it was that could bring this vision to pass.

But my travel was intercepted. Midway through the journey, which is difficult to describe since it crosses a few steps in the space of a heartbeat, something stopped me. It appeared to be a knight, wielding a blazing sword of light. It offered no hints as to its presence or its motivations. It simply attacked.

The fight was hell, but I eventually evaded it long enough to reach the Wylies' house. Too late, of course. Seamus was giving Katie CPR on the bathroom floor. Someone had bound her and tossed her into the full bathtub. Unable to struggle, she'd drowned. By some miracle, we got her breathing again, but she stopped again by the time the ambulance came to pick her up. Seamus said it was minions of Vin, his former owner, who were making this a message. I have no doubt he's correct, given that she was marked with a V.

They took her to the hospital. Sal was there, I haven't the slightest clue how, except for the fact that he's Sal. I... He'll be taking revenge on Vin and his minions, not me. I couldn't even do that much right. And the next day, the doctors took her off the ventilator.

I could not stop them. I could not stop them, no matter how much I tried to bribe or threaten, I couldn't do it. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I failed to heal her, as well. I couldn't do anything for my poor sister, my poor dying sister. I couldn't do anything.

Now I'm just waiting, for something that's already happened. I have messages on my phone, I know what they say without even having to listen to them. I'm afraid to. Maybe if I don't listen to them, I can pretend that I don't already know what they have to say.

She's dead.

My sister is dead.

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 19:28:36 GMT

Cat got hurt. In the middle of something or another, I'm not sure what, she ended up with a punctured kidney. Stephen and I got her out of an army hospital and brought her home to recover. She's pretty much better, now, except for being a little weak. I gather they used some magic on her to heal her wounds, at least as much as they could. I know there wasn't anything I could do to help her, so that tends to support that idea.

But she's home now, and doing fine. Not so the rest of her family, namely Don and Syd, who got beaten up by a mob. I mean... jeeze. What can I possibly say about that? It doesn't surprise me, but it does disgust me. And the war is starting back up again, with Seamus shipping out once more. And Katie is letting the new Rose bartender stay with her while he's away. In some instances I don't understand my sister at all.

Things with Diast are going well. I think I understand why I like her so much, now. Consciously, anyway. Some part of me understood it anyway, you know? She understands the Akashic philosophy -- at least more than I thought anyone ever could, in the terms which I could phrase it. (Cass understands it too, but in the darker sense of Euthanatoic principles. The differences there were enough to plunge our two Traditions into centuries of warfare.) And she loves to fight as much as I do, which in both cases is a little more than our respective organizations see as quite proper. Really, the only thing I could wish for at this point is that she didn't have to be away so much. But she does, it's her job, and I'm not one to gainsay that.

My life isn't going anywhere near how I dreamed it would. That possibility ended when Sashra died. It's... so funny to write her name now, or even to think about her. I try not to. I've done everything I can to let her rest, but I'll always love her. I don't regret any of the decisions I made, when she was alive or after, but I do regret that life brought me along the paths it did. But it's a quiet regret, a wishing, and it doesn't take away from the good things I have now. I have Diast, and Cass and Seamus and Katie, and Nhairis... Cat and Stephen. I'm not sure, right now, who else I trust, but my family and my friends will see me through.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:59:02 GMT

I could write a book, I swear.

Nothing ever seems to come easy. Things had been going very well with Katie living down the hall. We hung out, I watched Liam sometimes to give her a break, I learned a little bit more about cooking. What *she* got out of it I don't know, but I hope it was something. Then bam, back comes Seamus. Not only do those to reuinte with a fight, big surprise there, but Seamus pops up later about how he doesn't want Katie to live away from home. Doesn't want her to stop thinking of it as home, as if she ever could.

Back up a moment. Cass basically moved out on Irina, and I can't blame her. Nonentity is too charitable a word to describe how I regard her and the others involved... Anyway, Cass was intent on leaving, so since she and I get along well, I said she could move into my apartment. She hasn't lost the need for someone to be around to keep her from brooding, to drag her out and keep her from slipping back into old habits that are no longer useful in Rhydin. I wasn't about to let her just go rot, so there you go.

Now Seamus offers to let me sleep in the spare bedroom at their house. Now A, I didn't even know if he'd begun to discuss this with Katie, or if she wanted me there, and B, fuck! How can I watch over both Cass and Katie at the same time? Cass decided to solve the problem herself, and was on the hair's edge of moving out and abandoning everything. She and I had words about the matter. Strong ones.

In the meantime, things get shockingly weirder. Gin-Hu, a Jedi -- I'm sure I've mentioned her before -- anyway, we've been walking once or twice, walking and talking, and generally making common cause. She pops up and asks me, in a distracted way, if I view her as a woman. Confused, I finally manage to get it out of her that she has some actual interest in me. Why is it even good news is bad? I don't know if I'm ready for this. They say it takes a year to get over someone.. And when I look inside myself, I can feel how different I've become, in these short months. Scarred, is the best way to put it. I've had scars carved across myself, and when I check to see if I can move in old ways... everything's different.

I really don't know how to put it. But of course I didn't even get the luxury to think about it. No sooner did Cass tell me she was moving out than Gin-Hu pops up and tells me she's being reassigned, nice to know you, never gonna see you again. And an easy, if cowardly and painful, way out that would have been, had it evidently not been the last snowflake needed to spark massive internal rebellion against the ways of the Jedi Order. She suddenly decided to abandon her own, and abscond to the one Mer's Jedi friend belongs to, which as I understand it is more advanced in the reforms made after the re-founding of the Order. I wished her well, and said goodbye.

Things just hung for a few days. Cass apologized, and didn't leave, though she has a new friend now and I haven't much had a chance to speak to her. Gin-Hu reappeared abruptly the other day, dramatically changed in appearence and calling herself Diast now, in keeping with her new identity. It's been four years for her -- stupid Rhydin time warps, though I appreciate not having to wait that long. It seems to have helped her a great deal, the move, she definitely seems happier than she did. Maybe she just feels freer to *be* happy.

Cass shipped out today. Seamus is back, so I can only hope she won't stay away long. All I can do at this point is keep my fingers crossed for everything to work out okay.